The limbo between burn-out and feeling well
And ten things I'm grateful for this month despite being in the limbo
On the outside, it looks like I’m back to normal, or so I’ve heard. On the inside, at times, I still feel like a big soggy mess. Some days, I wake up with a bag of cement on my chest and need to pull all my willpower together to get out of bed. Those are also the days I start crying when I hear the birds sing or get riddled with anxiety at the thought of the results of our national elections.
Ever since my burn-out, which started at the beginning of this year, I’ve struggled with sensory overload more so than I ever did before. In the very beginning, a walk around the block would be too much. For months, I avoided supermarkets and trains. And I still can’t handle a busy pub or café for too long. Now that my life is in full swing again, I’m coping, and at the same time, I’m not. It’s weird. I can go grocery shopping or take a rush-hour train without feeling completely overwhelmed at that moment. But if I do so a few days in a row, I’m due for a meltdown, leaving me as a sobbing puddle who can’t handle any sound or bright lights. All the while, I’m three months into my new job, where I somehow manage to get by and apparently function pretty well, considering the feedback. But at the same time, I’m not. As I said, it’s weird.
Thinking back to pre-COVID times, to what seems like a previous life, I can’t fathom how I had plans every evening after work, exercised three times a week, and partied on the weekends. It almost feels like I was a different person back then. I used to have these carefully constructed, slightly permeable walls around me to filter sensory stimuli and dampen my feelings slightly. Now that these walls are gone, everything in life feels like it’s a little too much, both inside and out. There’s a little too much traffic noise on the street, a little too much chatter in the office, a little too much violence in the world and a little too much heaviness in my heart. During the day, I block most of those things in order to get by. I wear my noise-cancelling earbuds in public spaces and listen to presentations with my eyes closed if circumstances allow. At night, I am tempted to numb some more by doom-scrolling on my phone or watching Netflix to override the uncomfortable sensations within me. I find it hard to relax, and when I do, the tension stored in my body and mind comes out in the form of hot tears streaming down my face.
As I write this, I see the Excel sheet titled ‘self-check-in' sitting in the top right corner of my desktop. It’s a checklist with green, orange, and red flags regarding my physical, mental and emotional well-being. I was meant to fill it out every other week or so after my last meeting with my doctor in May. I haven’t done so in months, and now I'm scared to open it. I know which colour boxes I tick the most, and the idea makes me feel sick. So, instead of looking at it, I decided to make a to-don’t list for the coming weeks. Don’t check your phone before 9 am and after 9 pm, don’t scroll on social media, don’t stay inside for a whole day regardless of how bad the weather may be, don’t meet up with friends in busy places, don’t leave grocery shopping and cooking for the end of the day when your energy tank and stomach are empty, don’t commit to things that’ll cost a lot of energy beforehand. It feels frustrating as there are so many things I’d love to do, especially with all the winter festivities coming up, but I know that the only way back to a more balanced state is through doing less, not more.
✍🏼 I’m curious: what are your ways to break out of a negative spiral or the limbo between burn-out and feeling well? Let me know in the comments.
Despite feeling a little fragile this month, there was still plenty to be grateful for, and compiling the list below made November feel a little lighter again.
Aside from the to-don’t list, there are also a few things that I do to restore my balance and well-being. One of them is going for mental health walks, not just around the block but in the dunes and at the beach. I felt quite a bit of resistance to re-introduce these into my routine as they remind me of the lockdowns, but now that I did, I realise I’ve kinda missed them.
After weeks of rain, we’ve finally had some cold but sunny days this week, so I’ve been going for a morning walk or drinking my coffee on the balcony with my coat on. Being outside first thing in the morning and getting some sunshine on my face works both energising and grounding for me. I feel like I’m more present, focused, and less rushed for the rest of the day.
Mr. Handsome and I had a lovely weekend away to celebrate his birthday and our six-month anniversary. The weather was terrible, but we made ourselves cosy with bubbles, homemade apple pie, and a wood stove. Oh yes, and we had the loveliest spontaneous celebratory dinner at a Michelin-star restaurant. This is not something we’re used to; we hardly go out for dinner, but Mr. Handsome had jokingly put his name on the waiting list. A few hours later, he was called to say they had a spot opening up the following evening so we could sneak in, which made it extra special.
November is also the birthday month in my group of friends, so I celebrated the lives of some of the people I love, and I really enjoyed being out and about with friends again, even with the crash that inevitably followed.
I love curries this time of year. They’re so comforting. One of the recipes I loved most recently is one for a lemony chickpea curry. It’s warm and nourishing but still light and fresh. To make it, you sauté a bunch of spring onions, cilantro stems, and garlic, all finely chopped. Add one tablespoon of curcuma and fry until it gets fragrant. Add two cans of chickpeas, one can of coconut milk, 200 ml of vegetable stock, and the grated peel and juice of 1-2 lemons, depending on your taste. Leave it simmering for about 20 minutes. Serve with rice and fresh mixed herbs (I use cilantro, basil and mint). If you’d like to add more veggies, it’s lovely with fresh spinach stirred into the curry or oven-roasted bimi on the side.
I’m the type of person who often ponders existential questions, but when I don’t feel my best, these questions can become a heavy burden. I get pulled into a negative spiral, wondering whether I’m living the life I’m supposed to live and whether this is all there is. When I discussed this with Mr. Handsome, he handed me a little book called Hector and the Search for Happiness. I love this book because, unlike many self-help books, it is funny and light-hearted with a touch of sarcasm. It helped me to relativise some of my worries and snap out of a downward thought spiral. It’s also easy to read and less than 200 pages – an excellent read for a rainy weekend.
The women’s circle I hosted this month was a beautiful gathering with four women whose presence and openness reminded me of why I organise these events and filled me with a sense of gratitude and fulfilment. The next circle filled up super fast, and already eight women have signed up so far, which makes me feel proud and motivated to keep going!
I helped my sister and her fiancé move into their new home. During the family dinner that followed a day of hard work, she asked me to be her witness at their wedding this summer. Of course, I said yes! I got a little sentimental, realising that my little sister is settling into her forever home where she’ll hopefully grow old with the man she loves.
I did another interview for my new series with a friend from uni. We lost touch when we graduated 11 years ago, and it was so much fun to chat with her again, catch up on life and find out how much we have in common after all those years. I’m editing the interview as we speak, so keep an eye out for it. It’ll be up soon!
Now that we’re approaching December, Christmas lights and trees are starting to pop up everywhere, and I love it. Even though here in the Netherlands, we still have Sinterklaas to look forward to, the lights make me feel more cheerful and cosy during these cold and dark days. Add to that the first gluhwein of the year, and I’m very content.
✍🏼 Tell me: what made your November worthwhile?