The paradox of grief
On embracing darkness and finding light
Welcome to Rewilding the Feminine, my newsletter on my search for a wilder and more authentic life. In my letters, I share the insights and questions I encountered on this big journey called life – the biggest of all being what it is that makes me feel both wildly alive and at home within myself. I would love it if you’d do the same. You can share your insights and experiences in the comments or reply to this email!
What if January isn’t meant to be a season of resolutions but a time to embrace the heavy darkness of winter?
Tell me, how have you been feeling these first 23 days of the calendar year?
For me, they have felt more like a continuation of wintering than a fresh start. The new year didn’t come with fireworks but with heavy darkness as I was confronted with unexpected loss, grief, and exhaustion.
I haven’t been feeling any of the new year, new me vibes. Instead, I feel like I’m only slowly emerging from a deep dark hole in the ground, still blinking my eyes against the non-existent sunlight, tempted to return to my burrow at every turn.
And perhaps that’s exactly how January is supposed to be.
I haven’t set any concrete goals or deadlines because I’m still in the middle of winter - both seasonally and personally. Maybe I’ll set some around the astrological new year in March; maybe I won’t. It depends on what else life throws at me and how I’m feeling by then.
Most of us like to keep ourselves busy with goals and milestones, but sometimes, living life itself in a mindful and content way is the biggest goal there is.
One of my favorite books in times of grief or heartache is When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chödrön. As I was re-reading her wisdom, I realized that some of the dread and resistance I’m feeling is self-inflicted. That doesn’t mean those feelings aren’t real or justifiable. It does mean that I have the capacity to change them.
The paradoxical thing about grief, in my experience, is that it makes me realize that life is short and also that things could be a lot worse. It makes me want to burn my bridges and follow my heart. It fuels me to make the most of life and live to the fullest.
At the same time, it also makes me more grateful for what I have. It makes me care a little less about things that have been bothering me and accept that sometimes life just is. That sometimes there is no reason why.
And it motivates me to find little moments in between the chaos where everything is good, even if it is just for a few seconds. The moment I’m sitting with a warm cup of tea, for example, feet warming against the radiator, when I realize that my mind is quiet.
Over the past few weeks, I’ve added some practices into my days and weeks to support myself. Cause even though life sometimes is what it is, that doesn’t mean it is easy. Add to that the world news, and I struggle to stay present and centered. Here are a few things that have helped me with this:
Practicing gratitude
For my amazing relationship with Mr. Handsome who’s been such a rock these past few weeks. For the salary I get every month, which enables me to live comfortably, make amazing trips, and save up for the future. For the compassion, I have learned to show myself during hard times.
Creating deep relaxation
My friend S. recently recommended me a Dutch Yoga Nidra app, and it is indeed nothing short of amazing. I can highly recommend it if you struggle to find moments of peace and quiet in your daily life. All you need is 15 minutes (or more) and a place to lie down to transport yourself into the deepest and purest form of relaxation I have ever experienced. Yoga Nidra also helps relieve stress and improve sleep. As you might notice – I’m a fan.
Executing my ‘hard-day protocol’
I learned this one years ago from Maisie Hill’s podcast. She rightfully argues that hard days are hard enough without beating ourselves up over them.
A hard-day protocol is all about accepting where you are and loving yourself through it. For me, it works as a circuit breaker to stop that shame spiral of doom and the self-criticism I can throw myself into when I’m having a bad day.
It is a simple action plan you implement when you’re having a hard day. But it is not a self-care protocol or a list of things that would make you feel better. A hard day protocol only consists of things that you already do when you feel like shit. The idea behind implementing your hard day protocol is reducing the judgment for the things you’re already doing anyway. I keep mine in the notes app on my phone and look at it whenever I’m having a tough day.
Here are some examples from my hard-day protocol:
Doom scrolling on Vinted/Funda/LinkedIn to search for clothes/houses/jobs I’m not gonna buy
Working from home, and canceling a work call that I dread by pretending to be too busy
Binge-watching something on Netflix
Postponing replying to messages and emails
Crying for no reason (or all the reasons)
Shutting out my partner because I feel unworthy of his love when I feel like shit
Asking him to cook and clean up afterward
Promising myself to go to bed early, then staying up late
You might notice that when you lower your expectations and allow yourself to execute only your hard-day protocol, it becomes a little easier to sneak in some self-care as well. But that’s not the goal! If you can do so, great, amazing, but if you don’t, that’s okay because that wasn’t the plan anyway.
Adding things that bring joy.
Implementing some of the wisdom from the book I mentioned earlier, I decided that rather than spending my time wishing that life was different, I want to spend it doing things I love and that make me happy. With no kids, little obligations, and a 4-day workweek, I might never have so much freedom again until I retire (if ever). So why would I not use my free time and money to do stuff that makes me feel f*cking alive, right?
This is a very different list than the one above. Still, some of the things I intend to make more time and energy for are gravel biking, playing with my art supplies, going on proper dates and trips with Mr. Handsome, reserving weekends to spend time with friends and family doing an activity together rather than just meeting for a coffee, and intentionally spending my evenings after work by filling them with writing, crafting or exercising.
How do you cope when life feels heavy? What do you do to make your hardest days a little easier?
"Most of us like to keep ourselves busy with goals and milestones, but sometimes, living life itself in a mindful and content way is the biggest goal there is."
That's one of the best sentences I've read this year. Thank you Lieke.
Beautiful, thanks for showing that another flavour of January is also welcome. LOVE the hard dat protocol!