The art of wintering

What if we'd stop fighting our exhaustion?

Welcome to Rewilding the Feminine, my newsletter on my search for a wilder and more authentic life. In my letters, I share the insights and questions I encountered on this big journey called life – the biggest of all being what it is that makes me feel both wildly alive and at home within myself. I would love it if you’d do the same. You can share your insights and experiences in the comments or reply to this email!

How are you feeling?

Do you also feel like winter demands more of you than you have to give?

Darkness has arrived again, and so has my exhaustion. Since the beginning of November, I’ve been (un)usually exhausted. I’ve dreaded the days, especially when I had to be in the office before the sun was up, and I would only leave the building again well after dark. I’ve been feeling heavy, grumpy, and dissatisfied, and I’ve been crying even more than usual.

My yearly dance with the dark starts every year around the same time, about halfway between the autumn equinox and the winter solstice. When the memories of sunfilled days are long gone, the days are getting shorter, work is busier than ever, and the coziness of Christmas lights and festive gatherings still seems far away.

Every year, I’ve fought the exhaustion, pushing through deadlines and celebrations. Every year, I’ve questioned what is wrong with me. I deliberated whether to get my blood checked (again) or whether things would be better if I’d quit my job and moved away from the city.

After a few years of the same ritualistic dance with darkness, I instinctively knew that none of these things would take away the feeling of bone deep tiredness. I realized that the root of my struggle lies in more than just my schedule or the place where I live— it’s a reflection of the culture we live in.

The market square in Sarajevo, December 2022

Reading

Dr. Erica Matluck

’s post about the real reason we’re so tired confirmed what I knew deep down to be true. We’re doing winter all wrong in the sense that our cultural traditions this time of year are at odds with the rhythm of nature.

Instead of hitting the gas pedal to finish our work projects, admidst early Christmas festivities, planning Christmas dinners, getting all our presents in order and wanting to do our end of year reflections, we’re supposed to rest.

If you are feeling unusually exhausted, overwhelmed or unproductive right now, it doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with you. It may be because you are one of the few who are actually listening to the symphony that you are a part of. […] If we followed nature’s lead, in December we would be resting, slowing down, conserving our energy and nourishing our adrenals. We would be sleeping more and dreaming a lot – excavating the unconscious by the dim light of the moon.¹

Being exhausted this time of year means that we’re human. Personally, I’ve found that fighting this exhaustion is what makes me most tired. To keep going despite my body’s need for a pause draws out the last of me. So this year, instead of pushing through, I’m leaning back this season. It’s not an easy thing to do; it’s an act of resistance to our capitalist and productivity-driven culture.

There are many reasons why pausing is difficult. First, I want to acknowledge that it is a privilege to be able to pause. Not everyone has the luxury to do so, but even if you do, it isn’t easy.

Rest, or being unproductive, is largely unaccepted in our culture. Choosing to rest challenges the relentless demands of grind culture and capitalism, which dehumanize us by valuing productivity over well-being. Many of us are so indoctrinated by these patterns that doing nothing seems impossible. Our stress hormones are so high that the urge to keep going overrides all other signals. Besides, pausing can be uncomfortable. It confronts us with our darker sides and requires us to feel the discomfort we might normally push aside.

While pausing can feel daunting, I’ve found a few small shifts that make embracing rest a little easier. This season, as soon as I started to accept that I was feeling tired and allowed myself to do less, maybe even be a little bit less, I started to feel better. For me, this looked like easing up on the rules I’d set for myself. This winter, I’m not exercising as much, cleaning the house as much, or getting everything crossed off my holiday to-do list. Instead, I’m granting myself more time with a book on the couch, more time relaxing with friends, less time worrying about travel schedules and dinner courses to make.

What would happen if you let yourself slow down this season?

Winter skies over Sarajevo, January 2023

I think we should all give ourselves a break in winter. But I can totally relate if you don’t know how to do that. For most of my life, I didn’t think that being tired was a good enough reason to cancel plans or lower the bar for myself. Cause everyone is tired, aren’t we? But giving up on pushing through and giving in to a slower pace of life has made my experience of any season more pleasurable.

Below are a few things that work for me whenever I’m so tired I can’t think straight anymore:

• Are you struggling to do nothing? Start with active rest. Rip up your to-do list, take a few deep breaths, and ask yourself: what would pleasure have me do? Does your body desire to take a hot bath, call a friend, bake cookies, or bring out your drawing supplies? Activities with our hands (and without a screen) are especially good for us. One of my favorite activities to quiet my mind is washing the vegetables from my local vegetable package and cooking a wintery stew or soup. Scrubbing the dirt off the carrots and swirling spinach leaves in the sink until the worms have sunk to the bottom makes me feel connected to the earth. Chopping them up and stirring them in the pan is exactly the kind of mindful task that allows my thoughts to quiet down. If you don’t know what you want to do, start with something that would usually bring you joy or something you loved doing as a kid.

• Sometimes, we’re so exhausted that we’d love to stay in bed all day. Even though that can totally be indulgent for a day, if we’re otherwise healthy, that doesn’t always make us feel better in the long run. When recovering from burnout, I’d sleep 9+ hours a night and still wake up tired. I quickly learned that getting up despite feeling tired and taking basic care of myself would leave me feeling better than lying in bed all day.

• Make sure to get some daylight on your face. Even, or especially when the days are short and it’s awfully grey outside. If you listen to the Hubermann Lab podcast, you know that there are many health benefits to early morning light exposure. When I go into the office, I cycle to work, and if my schedule allows it, I wait until it’s light outside before I leave the house. When I’m working from home, I try to go for a short walk before opening my laptop. After weeks of grey skies and rain, I really appreciate those clear winter days when the morning light glows at the horizon and the cold bites my cheeks.

What small act of rest could you offer yourself today?

Lastly, I’d like to share two books I loved with you on the topic of exhaustion and rest. In case you need a comforting read and a permission slip this winter season.

• Wintering by

  Katherine May
  is a beautiful book that explores the ways we can care for and repair ourselves when we find ourselves in a season of winter.

  “A moving personal narrative shot through with lessons from literature, mythology, and the natural world, May’s story offers instruction on the transformative power of rest and retreat.”

• Rest is Resistance by

  Tricia Hersey
  is a cultural critique of our capitalist and patriarchal society.

  ”Our worth does not reside in how much we produce, especially for a system that exploits and dehumanizes us. Rest, in its simplest form, becomes an act of resistance and a reclaiming of power because it disrupts and pushes back against capitalism and white supremacy.”

1. The Real Reason We're So Tired