Two parts desire, one part contentment

On learning to stay present & enjoy life when there’s nothing left to fix

“Two parts contentment, one part desire. It seemed a good formula for living, though one she hadn’t mastered yet.”¹

This sentence stopped me. I felt seen and exposed.

Welcome to Rewilding the Feminine, my newsletter on my search for a wilder and more authentic life. In my letters, I share the insights and questions I encountered on this journey called life – the biggest of all being what it is that makes me feel both wildly alive and at home within myself. I would love it if you’d do the same. You can share your insights and experiences in the comments or reply to this email!

For much of my life, my recipe was the opposite: two parts desire, one part contentment.

From the outside, my life mostly looked great. But inside, something never sat quite right with me.

I was always pulled towards something else – driven by my desire for things to be different. To be further along, or elsewhere.

A different job. A new country. Another phase of life.

It left me feeling restless at best, deeply anxious at worst. And contentment often felt like a long lost friend.

Lately though, I’ve been wading into calmer waters. I feel genuinely happy with where I’m at.

Life is fuss-free and for a brief moment in time, it feels as though I have landed.

I know there is no such thing as “arriving” in life, not really. Still, a temporary respite of life’s impermanence feels like a dip in the ocean on a hot summer day.

Refreshing. Relieving. Yet strangely hard to relax into.

Little moments of contentment

These feelings of contentment and peace are so unfamiliar to me that my body doesn’t quite know what to do with them. It seems as if my nervous system is asking: “What do I worry about now?”

Work is exciting and busy but not unmanageable – and yet I constantly feel like I’m losing track. In lost moments, I find myself scrolling through real estate listings, looking at houses we’re not going to buy. I overwhelm myself with options and choices I don’t need to make. As I do, I feel my jaw tightening and my heartbeat fastening.

My whole system seems conditioned to look for the next problem –even when there isn’t one. It makes it hard to relax, especially when I’m feeling deeply content. The absence of a plan, or even the urge to make one, feels foreign – yet kind of amazing.

So I’m reminding myself:

It’s safe to relax.

It’s okay to be present.

It’s perfectly fine to enjoy life, even without a plan.

Cause what good is a plan for the future if it robs you from enjoying the present moment?

To stop myself from fretting over some distant future, I made a little joy list.

It reminds me to reach for something simple and joyful, when my head is tempted to go down a rabbit hole of overthinking and introspection.

It reminds me that maybe, just maybe, two parts contentment is the point in life. Maybe that’s what arriving really looks like.

What do you need to remind yourself of today?

1. From Cleopatra and Frankenstein by Coco Mellors