Feel the fear, grow those wings

On how to start before you're ready

Welcome to Rewilding the Feminine, my newsletter on my search for a wilder and more authentic life. In my letters, I share the insights and questions I encountered on this big journey called life – the biggest of all being what it is that makes me feel both wildly alive and at home within myself. I would love it if you’d do the same. You can share your insights and experiences in the comments or reply to this email!

It’s Tuesday evening, and I’ve just finished a bowl of lentil soup with a Swedish-inspired cheese bun baked by Mr. Handsome. Now, I’m sitting behind my laptop with a cup of tea, franticly hitting my keyboard to pour out the words swirling around in my head before I leave for my weekly sewing lesson.

A chat with a colleague (hi, O!) and a few inspiring articles on intuition, letting go, and saying no made me think about what’s holding me back from living life more fully, aka starting to work for myself¹. What’s stopping you from taking the first step toward your dreams?

While the soup simmered on the stove, I decided to ponder that question on my mat. After a short embodied movement practice, the familiar answer struck me with a newfound sharpness.

I have a strong desire to do things perfectly. That doesn’t only mean flawlessly executed. It also, and more importantly, means that my actions are based on a solid foundation, a watertight plan.

In reality, however, there is only one way to get started, and that is to start doing. Trial and error is a core principle in my Human Design. Cognitively, I know that this might be a path worth walking for me. I know that if I don’t start, it will not only be not perfect, it will simply not exist. Embodying this way of working is a different story, though.

Before launching a side business, my inner architect wants a website, a personal brand, a proposition for teams rather than just one-to-one coaching, and an operating system to make my future business run smoothly.

But if I dig beneath all that thinking, most of all, I want to start. I’m just scared shitless to do so.

I’m scared because starting requires action in the face of the unknown. And that might just be one of the hardest things for naturally risk-averse humans like me. But the truth is, most of the time, we don’t know what we (or our lives) will look like as long as we’re cocooning inside our chrysalis.

We may dream about spreading our wings and flying from flower to flower, but in reality, it feels safer to stay hidden inside our little cocoon where no one can admire our true colors. Taking that first step to break out of the shell we’ve built around ourselves takes a lot of courage and strength.

Image by @wordsyoulovee

I think the discomfort of not knowing if and how things will work out might just be the number one thing keeping many of us from taking action and growing, one wing at a time. As I navigate this space between dreaming and doing, here are a few things that help me to make those first shaky steps a little bit easier:

• I try to welcome and feel my fear as much as possible. Feel the fear and do it anyway is a famous saying from Susan Jeffers’ book of the same name. Even though feeling our fears can be highly uncomfortable, it is the only way to move forward. As long as we resist our fear and act as if it isn’t there, it’ll sabotage us by making up excuses to never even get started or rear its head at the most inconvenient of times to – you guessed it – sabotage some more.

• I work on being more comfortable in the unknown by rooting myself in the present moment. When making plans for the future, my head can easily spin off into a galaxy of hows and what-ifs. Bringing myself back to the present moment creates a feeling of safety within myself, making it easier to take action without having answers to all my questions. A trick that helps me to focus on the here and now is to write two lists: one with all my what-ifs and then, after engaging my senses and taking a few deep breaths, a list with what is. This makes any action seem a lot more manageable.

• I practice being with discomfort through yoga, cold showers, and sitting with my emotions. Our lives are generally so comfortable that we’ve out-learned being with discomfort of any sort - physical, mental, or emotional. I notice it when my yoga class starts with 10 minutes of seated meditation. After a minute, I already get fidgety, despising the aches in my back or the thoughts running around in my mind. Or when I have to wait 10 minutes for the bus, and my phone is empty, I get agitated by the boredom that creeps up with no distractions at hand. Practicing to relax into these feelings of resistance and frustration whenever they pop up in our daily lives can help us to stay present when they pop up around wanting to take action, too.

✍🏻 What’s your chrysalis? What first step could you take today to start growing your wings? What helps you to relax into the unknown?

1. Thank you,

Eliza Butler

,

Lily Montasser

, and

Anna Mackenzie

for the inspiration.